Strength

Pain pulled from anguish. Her heartbeat raced. Conflicting opinions clashed against each other like a story with no end. She exhaled. Memories replayed themselves. Each another reminder of the fool that she thought herself to be. A fool who sought to wander back into the circle of life she so despised. A life with no end.

They haunted her. Spiralling around her mind, weaving into what could only be her fragmented sanity. Yet she held herself together. Tears her water. Torment her air. She knew she was the one to blame. After all you can't lash out at what never was.

The cycle continued. Days became a blur of the same let-downs that were promised not to be repeated. They gelled together, a glue of mistakes realised too late. Then she looked at the monster she had created in herself. The hurt came.

She steadied. Her pulse stable. Breathing lowered. Must move on. Must not let them see. Must be brave. But why? What had she done to deserve this?

"If you let others use you, they will"

The morning sun spiralled into the tears that began to flow down her face. She promised herself she wouldn't cry. Warmth filled inside her. The emotions gave in. For a moment that seemed like an eternity, she was the person she despised the most. She was the cause and creation of her problems alone. She halted. But,... Those mistakes taught her the ability to see what others have yet to. To recognise how life was heading before it reached there. To fix a memory not yet broken. Those mistakes; they gave her strength.

She rose, her porcelain face damp from tears. And begin to live a new day.

Identity

"The Wisp Sings"- Winter Aid

You. The person who you are right now. That which has been crafted by years and years of memories that have stitched themselves up to lead to this one moment. You.

Your friends. A path selected. A mirror of you or a mirror of what's left? A difficult view to realise and a harder one to understand.

It's hard to conceive the thought that perhaps our lives are not merely dictated by the actions we take but by the actions of others. We seek courage from those who are brave. Look for advice from those who are smart. Hold close those who we love.

People have forever been indebted to each other. There is not a concept of a solo life. Yet our generation has grown more fearful of letting people in. They say that people like you are your biggest allies; but then they are also those who have your biggest faults. Embrace the different, or remain ring-fenced by yourself.

I've often wondered what would happen if I met a person so alike me that from the very start it felt right. Then I realised that perhaps that would have been a mistake. No one to argue with about differences that never occurred. No one to challenge the boundaries of who you are as a person. No one to make you see what you could be.

It would have been nice though. To have someone understand. Yet then perhaps what others fail to understand, we push too hard to see ourselves. Our identity; the person who we are at this point, reflects the changes that we've made to reach where we are. Constant has never been something to look forward to. For constant reflects an end, an end we're not sure if we're ready to accept.

To my mind, I stand by the decision to stray far and wide from what people see others to be. For if you don't give someone a chance, why should they?

SS.6 Will

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "I'm A Mess" - Ed Sheeran

Continuation (noun); the state of moving on.

Very rarely are people able to admit when something is bad for them. A habit gone bad is the personified capability of the individual who has failed to pull back control into his or her life. Yet there lies great strength in admitting to the wrong that exists. Here are a few that seem to resonate more personally with me.

"Her way was that of indifference. She was master to none and slave to herself. Confrontation rarely passed her by and she floated, almost effortlessly. Yet she never took to stand besides those who had been there for her. Her life was stitchings of survival. Like a bat she was known by both bird and mammal yet separated by kind. He stood with her on that view. Never looking beyond. The bigger picture seemed to only involve them. The people who chose to be there were the one's who were found convenient. Yet with that they gave up their greatest strength; The power of choice. The pedestal was solid and supported one."

"His was of pain. He fell in too deep. Too trusting. The world hit back. Shunned, his hunger grew. He wanted his own reflection yet no one was willing to succumb to his identity. He closed off. Tensions escalated as people confused his intention in an almost emotional limbo. He had no one at one point and was in a void of own self-inflicted darkness. He found her. Life blossomed much to the envy of others. Bitterness spread and his happiness was not long lived. Life was cruel and took her away as well. He stood defeated. Then the odds turned. Yet fate has yet to decide what the end result will be."

"Her way was a mirror of his. She lived the same kind of pain, love, desire and envy of his yet was unable to break through the glass caged shaped by her own hands. She knelt, locked in and suffocated. Strangling herself with intentions that were meant to show love; yet perceived as mere convenience. To love but never be loved in return. Yet she lay trapped. Her sacrifice had already been too great. How could she leave it all behind? He spoke with similar pain. Yet life seemed to have granted his glimmer back. We all heal. Now was her turn to find herself capable of being set free.""

Will is a powerful thing. It can set forth the most unusual of events that piece together something new. There are those out there who are aware of this power and have begun testing their capabilities. There is so much that lays uncertain yet within the chaos lies pattern. You just need to will yourself to see it.

*To those out there who are still struggling with what has or will happen. Know that it gets better.*

Intention

"You can't stop me for wanting to prove the world different"

"You can't stop me for wanting change"

Song of Choice - "Intention" - Kiiara

Funny chapters we all seem to live in; adventure, success, heartbreak, redemption, bliss and silence. Moving through them has never been easy. Staying in others has always been harder. Yet we went on, taking things as they came, one by one. But the chapters seem to blur. What now? Have we taken a step back to see the bigger picture? Or are we just driven by the next objective? Who looks beyond something they can't see? There's more than this to life. 

It was always my intention to help others. It gave me purpose. Linked me to something good. Something pure and worth fighting for. Now I stand here wondering if it were all a mistake? The capability to do good beyond that which was required. I wonder. Everyday it seems like a constant battle between the choices we make. Disappoint others or disappoint yourself. Yet for some, those choices aren't separate. Now what?

It's funny. How little people realise the impact they may have on others. Be or good or bad, they link memories to people; captured through moments that seemingly go unnoticed now but remain etched forever so. Perhaps that's why we are who we are. We unknowingly relive the memories that were once held by others. It's the same game, the same day, just, with different players. A game I guess was what it was all along? Hmm, perhaps. Yet we don't realise that they're playing; we just try and get through. 

I'm going to write a book one day. Bridging together what many people have long forgotten. The difference a memory can make. You can't destroy something that has existed. True they made fade, and rightly so their strength withers. But...

You think your power lies in your ability to forget. Mine lies in my ability to remember. 

 

SS.5 Healer

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Tenerife Sea" - Ed Sheeran

Rest.

Sleep.

Breathe.

Bad days are strange. They affect people differently. Anger and frustration can be one. Sleep and weakness can be another. A lot more lie out there but these are the two that seem to crop up a lot for me.

You know, I never knew I'd end up where I am right now. We can't seem to understand how life has led us here. This moment. This place. This person to live. I always find it funny. That I as a person am just thoughts and actions guiding a body. It's my responsibility to do what's right for me. Not anybody else's. Despite what I think; we are just someone trying to live. And I understand that.

I'm thinking about how I'm breathing right now. It's calming and constant. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. You are too now, aren't you?

I'm thinking about the little things now. Replaying the moments that have led up to where we are right now. Those linking moments. How things somehow fell into place. How if you look back at it; the memories seem more structured now that we can appreciate them for what they were. It's like everything had a place. It just didn't feel that way when we were going through it.

It's 1:50am currently and the warm glow of my lamp covered by my beanie is making me rather philosophical when it comes to life (all lamps should be covered by beanies). Hey Giddy, here's looking at you.

My Spotify crashed.

Nope back up again.

People talk too much. Bit rich coming from me. Yet if you look at it. I rarely talk; about me. Hmm wonder if that's a bad thing?

End on a good note? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Even beyond that if things turn out how I foresee it. Burdening yourself isn't generally worth it. Stop listening to yourself when you're the one who's bringing you down. Stop questioning the mistakes you think you've made. Stop criticising what's brought you here. Stop being the kind of person you wouldn't wish onto others. Be the kind of person others wish to be.

The ideals we lived

Utopia. Unattainable. Everlasting. We grasp the concept of a life we can never live yet wildly push to reach its identical. Another time, another person, another you;

Reality is different. It's harsh, vivid and often not what you want. How do you escape this dream world you so idealistically desire and move forth with what's there in front of you? We all wished things were a bit different. Loved ones who should be here with us, times of stress replaced by peace and serenity, forgotten words best left unspoken... A second life that should have been.

We are at the very mercy of our minds who lead us to this guilt ridden state. We internally debate with the irrational decisions that lead us to where we are while kicking ourselves for being so foolish. Yet things sometimes do in fact turn out alright. Sure we're not where we wanted to be, who we wanted to be and with those who are meant to be there. We are however moving on with reality and despite everything else the one thing that reality does it that it forgives.

Our ideals are ideals for a reason. They were never meant to be more than a fictional life we created. Reality is different. It allows you to feel pain, to recognise a lesson learn, a mistake made and more often than not, gives you the chance to move on. We all feel like the world is crashing in on us at some point or  another but you've got to fight on. You've got to be brave to go on alone if it comes down to it or with those who were there for you during your time of need. Everyone wants their ideal life, but sometime either now or later; you just have to let go.

SS.4 Self Inflicted

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Be There" - Seafret / "Take Shelter" - Years and Years

A lonely path; crowded yet by yourself. Laughter, like nails against your ears. They're talking about you. The voices, jokingly pressing down on the fire building. You turn. Head arched high, hands outstretched, "This is not...". You look to him, the person who once held so much of power. A dark topic for future days to come. A clean break. Painful yet quick. Necessary to escape. Necessary to begin to rebuild.

***

You're not much to them. Aren't you? A convenience to have around but cast aside plainly for their superior choice. One of life's harshest of realities is having someone taken from you. Give them your 100 and you'll get back 60 if you're lucky. Bouncing back and forth between what you've set out to achieve and failing every time to get close. It's not their fault... It never is. You're just playing different board games and they're winning at both. So now what?

***

The cold winter air blows against your untied hair as you ask, "Promise to never bring this up again?" He agrees; the wind howls as you tell him, shielding those with pricked ears from ever leaning in. "What can I do Dan?", knowing the answer before even asking it... You stare from afar at the person you don't even recognise anymore. They wave. Time can do lots of terrible terrible things. Yet you remain subdued. "If you want to get used, then get used", he chimes in as his phone begins to flash.

***

The funny part is that you have nothing to complain about. They're quite willing to cast you aside; the line up of those awaiting presence is seemingly endless. If you want to go, then go; but don't ever think that they'll fight for you to come back. I wonder if that's what makes it harder, that risk of giving in to the inevitable.

***

You were his convenience. Comfortable, familiar and brilliant. Yet he grew bored by his conquest. Thirsty for the chance to be someone else's limelight. The challenge takes over. You can't see the good in a good thing once you have it. Breakdowns are always hard. Seeking solace was never easy, and the acceptance that you're never getting back the time lost. That's what scares you, doesn't it? The sacrifice you made; was it worth it? How can they be so blind? Mainly cause they aren't seeing through your eyes. Yet you remain irrational, the cycle repeating itself.

***

It's not a curse. It's just a part of life. You will always want more from someone who wants more from someone else and so the cycle continues. It's rare to give back the same as you receive. You will be cast aside, time and again just like they get cast aside without realising it. Look around you, everyone follows, yet nobody truly leads. I

t is funny though, for someone to not notice the little things standing right in front of them. Yet I guess that's why people are who they are; and the ones who acknowledge it, different. Remember it's a two player game; don't give in to a handicap.

I could be wrong though, but then I've yet to be proved so.