SS.1 - Pain

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - 'Afire love' - Ed Sheeran

December 10, 2012

A harmless mistake. A white lie told to cover a questionable act. "It wouldn't matter in the long run, he'll forget..."

Humiliation, public or otherwise brings with it a sense of pain. There's nothing worse than having your life splashed out to the entire school. 'Secrets and lies' was all they ever spoke off. There was a reason we were all so brilliant. We excelled at manipulation and were devoid of care. Drowned by riches unearned and with freedom that will never known by some. They were bored and we were targets. No one was spared, your life belonged to the school and the forthcomings that it brought with it. Criticism taught you to hide everything. It was all false as we weaved around the web of lies that brought with it nothing but the next big thing that had happened.

I had asked. She had replied. I trusted her. There was nothing to doubt. Belief led me astray. Guided by the hopes of someone new. Denial...repeatedly. Attacked others, empty threats, fear of what happened. Fear of the unknown. Fear of their words.

Dissipation. Scars remained but new targets had been found. Stability. The tides seemed to have turned. Moments respite. Harmony almost, as we begin anew. She was different. Nurtured to act against the pressure that was set forth.

A different day. A peaceful afternoon. Light hearted conversation. She brings up a forgotten topic. Memories buried deep. Why the remembrance?

"Promise not to be mad?"

"I promise"

Pain. Unblinding and misguided. Denial. This was supposed to be different. She was supposed to matter. Why? Repetition picks at unhealed scars. Reveal the wound. Embrace the hurt. A reason to never trust. "Nobody cares about you the way you do about them" "Nobody ever will"

Silence.

Encounter at latter past. Unguided emptiness. No reason to care. No more pain. This all doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. Why would she? Why would anybody?

Memories flash past. Days encounter rebuild. Your shield stays up.

She breaks. Human nature to want to understand. Tears, heavy and fast. Pain settles in. "I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you"

Heartless return. You'd had enough. Tired of lies. Yet...

Nature prevailed. She had given you the one thing we'd been instilled to never display. Weakness.

A different person. She will stand the test of time.

And as pain settles in, so do memories of a lifetime.

Spirited

Song of Choice - 'On My Way' - Charlie Brown

Fallen by the actions of others. Defeated by the desire to fail. Missed by those you never encountered. Defined by the spirit that sets you apart.

Spirited was something that I've been wanting to write for a while now. It embodies what I believe life was meant to be. I'm tired of always missing out on what could have been. Where's my energy? Where's my capability to be different? Where's my spirit? Enough of those envied for their structured outlook. There is structure is discord regardless, it's just a bit harder to see.

This year promises to bring change, regardless of whether I want it or not. Well I suppose that's life in general. We never expect things to work out this way, but when they do, there's nothing stopping us from taking it on headstrong. The energy with which you perceive life defines your capability to overcome it. Why would you ever want to be someone who simply stops? Stretch your limits, push your boundaries and never, ever be afraid of what people think of you. Spirited are those who have more than just the capability to enjoy life, they are those that shape how they enjoy it.

The one thing I'm proud of is that I've always wanted what was best for me. More than that, I actively pursued this seemingly unreachable goal of utopia, the ideal world governed by none and loved by all. Why I'm not sure, but as I grow older, this perception (as I claim it be) still confuses me more often than not. We all want idealism but what actually is it? Does it exist just to drive us to our limits? People's capability to want to succeed is limited to varying degrees, but Spirited Individuals have overcome that boundary. We want what's best, regardless of the boundaries, regardless of the time and regardless of what the world thinks. This is our time, and nothing is going to stop us from making the best of it.

Why wouldn't you want to change who you are? You're more than willing to go back if things turn wrong. There's always that risk but sometimes the reward is so worth it.

Don't be afraid, to be different.