SS.10 Recourse

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Millionaire" - Cash Cash

"You were given the chance to live a different life. A chance to be remembered. Yet you threw it away..."

There's a part of you that wants it all. The fame, money, love; the chance to cement yourself in a legacy that is spared by the ravages of time. 

There's a part of you that wants happiness. A life perhaps not so lavish but one worth remembering. Memories held by others that kept you alive in their minds. 

There's a part of you that wants it to end. To be rid of the responsibilities, dilemmas and struggles that lie both in the present and future.   

He enjoyed it. The allure of mystery that emanated. Who is he? What do you know about him? What do people say? 

Life was simple. Moulded by his desire and fuelled by the ability to act upon it. His likes, a fraction of what the world could offer, yet he took pride in the exclusivity of his enjoyment. This was his domain. His friends, a circle narrowed so tight it seemed impossible to fail. Failure would not be tolerated. Yet it was imminent. 

People drifted in and out of his life; almost a passé. The few who stayed, he grew bored. To him effort was a chore for the other side. Pragmatic at the very least, but effective in showcasing how grounded his views were. There was no room for new, there was no room to do anything that was perhaps different. 

Yet he joined the ranks of hundreds of thousands like him. Dreamers in reality, yet drained of the full circle of capability needed to bring visions to life. As time served its role, the dreams began to fade and reality gripped the ignorance that would soon lead to pain of every sorts. Mistakes were made and egos were beaten. Yet life can't be so cruel, can it? 

Links were restored and a second chance bestowed. This 'alternate life' you speak of may not be so bad. Balance was restored as people would say? However, natures are hard to change aren't they? 

He was happy. Happy in his own world, happy to lash out at whoever he wished, happy to live the way he always wanted to live. Milestone to milestone, each goal etched through. And perhaps that was the way it was meant to be. There would be no surprise ending. This was a path that wasn't meant to change. It was always and forever, constant. 

*This marks the concluding piece in The Reflection Series. Part 9 will remain unpublished as a request by the individual it resonates with. The author hopes that you have enjoyed reading*

SS.8 Conflicted

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Say You Love" - Steinar

To be there for someone who doesn't want you. 

She saw him suffer, her heart aching as pieces of him lay broken off. A shell of what she remembered. Anger and betrayal erupted inside her as she pushed back against the view her eyes held. This wasn't meant to happen; not to her; not to him; not now...

You go through a period where after knowing a person for long, to see them disappear so suddenly, so frightfully fast can leave you questioning whether fighting for change was worth it all. To her the world had robbed someone she cared about. She lay alone yet surrounded. A busy kind of emptiness; one where stopping lets the pain set in, so you keep moving to avoid it ever catching up. 

There were those days though. Where things seemed to be shifting for the better. Those brief moments of happiness made life so much harder than they had to be. She had seen what could be, but it never lasted longer than for her to just to have hope again. So she turned to others, the few who she knew would listen. An attempt at consolation, one she didn't want nor see the point of having. Yet she had to try. 

The few months with him had hardened her. Years compressed into minutes she wished she could escape. Moments where she wondered, was it worth leaving at all? Despite all her success, glory and joy, she lay there back again at square one; conflicted. 

 

SS.7 Dimensions

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Lost My Way" - MAX

Moonlight arched over the window as he awoke pale faced and drenched in sweat. Covers were thrown. He stood up. 

"The past haunts me still"

His silhouette faced the ivory mirror as he stared back into the cold brown eyes that he knew so well. Tears glistened as his irises refracted back the glowing moon. It was time to go back. To embrace the past that had denied him peace of mind. To look beyond the man that he had become. To see beyond his one-dimension. His vision blurred. 

"He smiled. The air bubbled with tales of happiness. They playfully argued. Memories that were made only recently bound tighter than steel. It was his priority. To restore the damage that had been done so as to begin anew. People scoffed. How could one trust so willingly? To care beyond that which others had been treated with for so long? Voices were brushed away carelessly. His desire to prove wrong the capability of people drove him further. Instilling change was his biggest strength and perhaps his only weakness. He was blinded. Ties shattered and life grew dark. "I've lost my way""

"People spoke about him with passion. He was friend to all yet relied on none? How could he? When people existed to use him. Don't let them in. They'd never understand you. They never did but he always let them in. Each one breaking a part that brought importance to his life. It darkened his view on what the world promised. Guilt, Greed, Gossip. Self-desire fuelled all it seemed. Why shouldn't it though? His was a world of survival, yet only he was the fool trying to build a future."

"They saw greatness. He saw only the next goal. Targets blinded his view. Like a never ending game, he simply wanted to move onto the next mission. His impatience soon saw the downfall of what could have been. He made mistakes. Sidetracked by others he flung himself into a life of tranquility that was time-bound to his need by the few. That need ended and he was left alone again. Pain welled up inside and he refused to see the good that he had left behind. Other's pride in him was mere dust that reminded him of a past when he was happy. He yearned for that yet searched in all the wrong places."

The moonlight calmed him. Heartbeats returned to normal as a smile reflected back from the mirror he saw into. "Never again". And then the walls returned. 

SS.5 Healer

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Tenerife Sea" - Ed Sheeran

Rest.

Sleep.

Breathe.

Bad days are strange. They affect people differently. Anger and frustration can be one. Sleep and weakness can be another. A lot more lie out there but these are the two that seem to crop up a lot for me.

You know, I never knew I'd end up where I am right now. We can't seem to understand how life has led us here. This moment. This place. This person to live. I always find it funny. That I as a person am just thoughts and actions guiding a body. It's my responsibility to do what's right for me. Not anybody else's. Despite what I think; we are just someone trying to live. And I understand that.

I'm thinking about how I'm breathing right now. It's calming and constant. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. You are too now, aren't you?

I'm thinking about the little things now. Replaying the moments that have led up to where we are right now. Those linking moments. How things somehow fell into place. How if you look back at it; the memories seem more structured now that we can appreciate them for what they were. It's like everything had a place. It just didn't feel that way when we were going through it.

It's 1:50am currently and the warm glow of my lamp covered by my beanie is making me rather philosophical when it comes to life (all lamps should be covered by beanies). Hey Giddy, here's looking at you.

My Spotify crashed.

Nope back up again.

People talk too much. Bit rich coming from me. Yet if you look at it. I rarely talk; about me. Hmm wonder if that's a bad thing?

End on a good note? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Even beyond that if things turn out how I foresee it. Burdening yourself isn't generally worth it. Stop listening to yourself when you're the one who's bringing you down. Stop questioning the mistakes you think you've made. Stop criticising what's brought you here. Stop being the kind of person you wouldn't wish onto others. Be the kind of person others wish to be.

SS.4 Self Inflicted

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Be There" - Seafret / "Take Shelter" - Years and Years

A lonely path; crowded yet by yourself. Laughter, like nails against your ears. They're talking about you. The voices, jokingly pressing down on the fire building. You turn. Head arched high, hands outstretched, "This is not...". You look to him, the person who once held so much of power. A dark topic for future days to come. A clean break. Painful yet quick. Necessary to escape. Necessary to begin to rebuild.

***

You're not much to them. Aren't you? A convenience to have around but cast aside plainly for their superior choice. One of life's harshest of realities is having someone taken from you. Give them your 100 and you'll get back 60 if you're lucky. Bouncing back and forth between what you've set out to achieve and failing every time to get close. It's not their fault... It never is. You're just playing different board games and they're winning at both. So now what?

***

The cold winter air blows against your untied hair as you ask, "Promise to never bring this up again?" He agrees; the wind howls as you tell him, shielding those with pricked ears from ever leaning in. "What can I do Dan?", knowing the answer before even asking it... You stare from afar at the person you don't even recognise anymore. They wave. Time can do lots of terrible terrible things. Yet you remain subdued. "If you want to get used, then get used", he chimes in as his phone begins to flash.

***

The funny part is that you have nothing to complain about. They're quite willing to cast you aside; the line up of those awaiting presence is seemingly endless. If you want to go, then go; but don't ever think that they'll fight for you to come back. I wonder if that's what makes it harder, that risk of giving in to the inevitable.

***

You were his convenience. Comfortable, familiar and brilliant. Yet he grew bored by his conquest. Thirsty for the chance to be someone else's limelight. The challenge takes over. You can't see the good in a good thing once you have it. Breakdowns are always hard. Seeking solace was never easy, and the acceptance that you're never getting back the time lost. That's what scares you, doesn't it? The sacrifice you made; was it worth it? How can they be so blind? Mainly cause they aren't seeing through your eyes. Yet you remain irrational, the cycle repeating itself.

***

It's not a curse. It's just a part of life. You will always want more from someone who wants more from someone else and so the cycle continues. It's rare to give back the same as you receive. You will be cast aside, time and again just like they get cast aside without realising it. Look around you, everyone follows, yet nobody truly leads. I

t is funny though, for someone to not notice the little things standing right in front of them. Yet I guess that's why people are who they are; and the ones who acknowledge it, different. Remember it's a two player game; don't give in to a handicap.

I could be wrong though, but then I've yet to be proved so.  

SS.3 Cycles of You

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

It's been over 2 weeks since I've been back here in sweltering Dubai. Things have changed it's nice to see. Secrets were revealed, promises were broken and waiting games were played. The usual haha. I told you right? I'd stop trying... Can you blame a guy for wanting more? Not quite but then again it was always a gamble; one that I've always played, and always lost.

It's like a cycle isn't it? The same old stories, different people. Tied by emotions that run deep. Sister of mine, you perhaps were the smartest of them all "Why bother with people who won't give back what you're willing to give; it's a two way effort right?" Break out of this endless cycle that you're in. Your mistakes are your own for a reason. It's cause you chose to let them be. Rather than that, maybe it's time to leave.

- The following memory flashes revolve around a cycle of mine. One that I find looking back, happy to have broken.

Soft laughter.
Cinema lights dimmed. Phone buzzes. Unknown number.
"Act surprised tomorrow. They're coming over for your birthday"
Confusion? Mother clearly not pleased.

*Scene Shifts*

Editorial piece. Phone flashes.
Why'd you block me?
I saw no reason to keep you around.
Still mad about that whole birthday thing? Not really haha, I'd need to care for that.
Listen man I'm sorry.
*Internal debates*
Alright haha, don't give me another reason to hate you.

*Scene Shifts*

Public humiliation. Standard from him.
What I couldn't pass a test? Talk the talk but won't walk the walk. Oh social media is clearly the best place to chat about it. After all he was untouchable; for now. I mean I wore shorts for christ sake.
Anger. Immense. The next day brings with it clear hell.
He was there, fuelling the fire like usual. No not the one I'm talking about. Someone else. A story for another time.

*Scene Shift*

Confusion about words spoken. Maybe he'd know.
Hey man. You free to Skype for a bit? There's something I need to talk to you about.
So what do you think? Here's my side of the story.
Don't worry. I'll speak to him

Phone buzzes.
Keep our arguments to yourself. This isn't something for you to concern others with. He walked in laughing about the whole thing.
Once again, stupidity. My stupidity.

*Scene Shift*

Durham mornings. Snapchats having a field day.
Another insult. Typical. Not again though.
Stay out of my life. I'm not scared of you anymore. I've got people who can guide me when I'm wrong. You aren't welcome anymore.

- I told you right. It's a cycle you place yourself in. Repetition, even pain breeds familiarity, and familiarity is a different kind of comfort. It's mutually exclusive I'd say. Yet I did say. There's only so much I can take. I mean after a while, it's clear that I'm the one who's constantly falling. As much as I like getting hurt, there's a point where you stop.

Don't get me wrong, everything can heal. Yet for now, the part I've played is done; the rest is always up to you.

SS.2 Ties

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - 'Am I Wrong' - Nico & Vinz

2012 - 2014

Coffee? 

I can do Starbucks in 10? What's up?

Nothing much. I need some help.

Fine but then drive after haha.

Deal. 

Can I get you anything? *Munches cheese croissant* 

Light. Effortless. A bit funny how it began.

I'm not a phone person. True... neither are you a text person, in person person or any person. Hmm a challenge. Fun, different... I'm not one to lose.

Can I drive? No. (What else is new).

The beach brings such peace.

What do you think? Dunno, it's always been there you know? Never really appreciated it.
Hmm 1 a.m., what am I going to do with you?

He vents. It's the same story. Day after day. Her, him, them. Piece after piece of advice. Repetition settles in. I'm not an expert. Why? Broken ties. Again and again. It's always the same story isn't it. We fall, they fight; mends the break. Oh we're good again. And then we repeat. Yet, I sit here wondering for the time things will be different? Guess I'm drowning and I don't even realise it. Nothing new to me. Always the emotional drain. The one who cared more than life itself. The one who listened. Gratifying? Hardly.

Fast forward a few months. Rifts widen. The conversation begins to get deeper. Inner life, People are changing. All too fast it seems. What happened? Truth breaks out. Ties that once held deep revealed. Secrets, opinions and the guilt of other's thoughts come forth. Never knew they felt that way about me. Huh, funny how still events can change people's perceptions. Guess I was partly to blame. Yet, I felt nothing. Hmm time to move on.

Summer

Patience wearing thin. Classic fear of transition. I'm leaving again aren't I? Can't handle emotional burden. Must sever ties. Frustration builds for days. Ignition.

Anger, insanity; the words of others intertwining.
Memory after memory. Clearly a disaster.
Period of silence.

Phone flashes. I'm leaving soon, thought we could put aside what had happened. What's done is done. Doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

Decisions. Decisions.

Hey. It's been a while hasn't it? Memories that bring them back...
People always wonder why I'm different :). Guess they've still yet to grasp it. Try and look back. Think about how many truly different things you've done with someone. Unlinked in any way at all. The more you have to draw back on. The greater your capability to consider what has been and why its worth fighting for.

Promises. To not fight, to not argue, to not give up. Difficult truly haha, but not impossible. The arguments come, fights that follow and the distance makes it easy to forget. Yet something remains. The capability to remember. The chance to rebuild. Better times. Different but not entirely unpleasant. Waiting for the time. We've got a lot left to live. Why quicken the pace?

We see things more clearly now though. Secrets are left as they were. The people who we realised weren't worth it are left behind. Time has begun to bring back a new kind of change. Not really sure how this one will work out. I guess it's all in the ties.

SS.1 - Pain

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - 'Afire love' - Ed Sheeran

December 10, 2012

A harmless mistake. A white lie told to cover a questionable act. "It wouldn't matter in the long run, he'll forget..."

Humiliation, public or otherwise brings with it a sense of pain. There's nothing worse than having your life splashed out to the entire school. 'Secrets and lies' was all they ever spoke off. There was a reason we were all so brilliant. We excelled at manipulation and were devoid of care. Drowned by riches unearned and with freedom that will never known by some. They were bored and we were targets. No one was spared, your life belonged to the school and the forthcomings that it brought with it. Criticism taught you to hide everything. It was all false as we weaved around the web of lies that brought with it nothing but the next big thing that had happened.

I had asked. She had replied. I trusted her. There was nothing to doubt. Belief led me astray. Guided by the hopes of someone new. Denial...repeatedly. Attacked others, empty threats, fear of what happened. Fear of the unknown. Fear of their words.

Dissipation. Scars remained but new targets had been found. Stability. The tides seemed to have turned. Moments respite. Harmony almost, as we begin anew. She was different. Nurtured to act against the pressure that was set forth.

A different day. A peaceful afternoon. Light hearted conversation. She brings up a forgotten topic. Memories buried deep. Why the remembrance?

"Promise not to be mad?"

"I promise"

Pain. Unblinding and misguided. Denial. This was supposed to be different. She was supposed to matter. Why? Repetition picks at unhealed scars. Reveal the wound. Embrace the hurt. A reason to never trust. "Nobody cares about you the way you do about them" "Nobody ever will"

Silence.

Encounter at latter past. Unguided emptiness. No reason to care. No more pain. This all doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. Why would she? Why would anybody?

Memories flash past. Days encounter rebuild. Your shield stays up.

She breaks. Human nature to want to understand. Tears, heavy and fast. Pain settles in. "I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you"

Heartless return. You'd had enough. Tired of lies. Yet...

Nature prevailed. She had given you the one thing we'd been instilled to never display. Weakness.

A different person. She will stand the test of time.

And as pain settles in, so do memories of a lifetime.