2016

Shower and shaved, his hair gelled back into large waves that only highlighted his features, he sat; crisp white shirt barely phased by the oakwood chair as he browsed through his memories so neatly arranged by the glowing screen in front of him. This day was particularly special to him; he remembered it so clearly the last time it came down.

A familiar feeling came over him; verity. Instincts had guided him to do what needed to be done, but body and mind were in conflict as decisions that were set in stone were foresaken and choices were made, coins were flipped. However the year had been kind; it had forgiven him for the paths that had been taken and he had been rewarded for his solitude; perhaps not in the way one would expect but exemplary regardless. A shiver ran down his spine as he wiped his screen; a blank page in front of him, the cursor blinking. The first word was hardest but the rest flowed through as a memory that had built up over time. This is his tale 

The year brought with it pain,

Flesh was inflicted and memories were tortured,

The year brought with it happiness, 

Realisation gave people hope,  

Love came from avenues unexpected, 

Where betrayal was shown by areas unheard of, 

This year friends changed hands, 

A barter never spoken off but realised all the same,

People were met, and people were forgotten,

This year brought mistakes, 

You and I both know where we fucked up,

But we also know how we grew, 

Acceptance was a big part of this,

This year brought chances, 

Foolish ones but taken regardless, 

And for once... 

Perhaps things may work out.

He smiled as his phone flashed light blue. It was time to go out and celebrate. The cloudless night brought with it serenity as he lifted his jacket on, eager to bring in what was bound to be the next step in an exciting adventure. He smirked, an expression so familiar yet so heartwarmingly unique, as he closed the chapter onto another year. 

Orbit - Legeriz 3

"Few people in the world have the ability to realise their existence as time announces it. Even less can truly learn to understand it..."

He stared across the dimly lit apartment; spotless aside from the remnants of his previous meal lazily left on the hardwood table. He smirked, a muscle memory of sorts as his memory flashed back to the evening a few hours ago. "Your smile has something evil about it", they had teased. Truth, he did hide behind his glacial expressions, emotions buried deep down attributed to what was on his mind at that time. 

The sky had begun to lighten. A sign of another late night taken too far. He couldn't help it though. It was the life he had chosen for now. A decision for the future, paid for by the present. He stretched, tired bones cracking due to the sudden cold. Perhaps it was time for bed. 

Weeks had past. His pace quickened as his eyes trained themselves onto the frozen leaves. The morning dew had frozen beautifully onto the still coloured oak. Sun shining, his breath misted as he approached the nearby station. Mornings were the hardest part of the day. Until he reached he was a blur of energy and stress, fuelled by will and caffeine alike. So much to do, so little time, he chuckled to himself. 

Grey sofa's seemed so comforting to him. "Wake up! She playfully announced as he seemed to be drifting off mid conversation". Apologies were of course due as this wasn't the first time this had happened. His brown eyes stared endearingly at her. She seemed to understand and let it ago, a leniency he did not deserve but wanted. "What's new with you?" he asked, a question he could have answered himself a few years ago, but time had robbed some of the bond they had once shared. The busy streets flashed red by the cars moving on outside. it was the first of many weekends to come like this. Things needed to change.

The summer sun shined its light onto the early gym enthusiasts. Music drowned his accelerating heartbeat as he worked away the morning tiredness with self-inflicted pain. His mind trailed off to the gym tv's and he nearly crashed onto himself on the treadmill. A nice cup of coffee was definitely called for. Today was going to be another good day he silently announced to himself. As if onlookers didn't already think he was already crazy enough for singing along to his spotify playlist. 

Bubbles danced on the champagne flutes as he placed two plates down upon the wooden patio furniture. "Since when did you have time to cook?" she questioned confusingly staring down at the beautiful plate of food, a concept most people around him knew was a rarity in itself. "Since I made it a priority", he smilingly answered back. Lazy rays of light lit up the dark balcony and they looked down at the children playing in the verandah below. Maybe this life wasn't so bad, he thought to himself. 

Years had past. Grey hair lined the arches of his temples although time seemed to have left his face untouched. He smirked as he looked upon the dark glass walls. It had been a while since he had had a night like this. Many a year ago he accepted, when things were perhaps harder than they were meant to be. Now life seemed almost automatic. Almost as if it were in orbit. He yawned as the sky begun to lighten... and cycle started once more. 

Lighthouse - Legeriz 2

A hill. Silent and in the distance. Meadows. Encircling the centre. The horizon. Crashing into the landscape. A man. Standing in the distance. Paralysed. Gravity crashing upon him.

She lazed back into lush green grass as the sun warmed her alabaster skin. Sketch book in hand her mind drifted into the pretty picture she had spent the afternoon crafting. People walked past, laughter echoing into the distance as they got further and further and then louder as the cycle repeated itself. What was she thinking of again? Oh yes, how nice things were right now.  

The wind chimed past her auburn hair. Whispers of nature, devoid of technology. Something mankind had yet to find a way to replicate. She sat up to enjoy it further, her eyes momentarily resting on the child smiling with his parents up ahead. Ice cream cone dripping as his mother carefully wiped his now chocolate covered mouth, he seemed irritated by the affection, clearly a desire to play. She smiled as the child pulled his parents towards the swings. Her attention turned to what she drawn. 

A green hill blossomed from the boundaries of the pages. A shaded figure looked directly at her. The girl in the book scared her. She smiled as her creation smiled back. Her reflection so perfectly captured and yet missing something. The girl picked up her sketch-pen, face scowling as she added in the final details. "There! Perfect"

The lights flickered, revealing how much the disease had taken from her. Her hospital room lay adorned from wall to wall with pictures. The monitor beeped, stable for now yet the spikes had been more frequent lately. Her eyes rested upon the drawing at the very edge of the room. She felt tired. Perhaps it was time for bed. The girl on the hill smiled back her. Her mouth covered in chocolate as she dragged her parents to the swings. The beeps began to accelerate...

SS.10 Recourse

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Millionaire" - Cash Cash

"You were given the chance to live a different life. A chance to be remembered. Yet you threw it away..."

There's a part of you that wants it all. The fame, money, love; the chance to cement yourself in a legacy that is spared by the ravages of time. 

There's a part of you that wants happiness. A life perhaps not so lavish but one worth remembering. Memories held by others that kept you alive in their minds. 

There's a part of you that wants it to end. To be rid of the responsibilities, dilemmas and struggles that lie both in the present and future.   

He enjoyed it. The allure of mystery that emanated. Who is he? What do you know about him? What do people say? 

Life was simple. Moulded by his desire and fuelled by the ability to act upon it. His likes, a fraction of what the world could offer, yet he took pride in the exclusivity of his enjoyment. This was his domain. His friends, a circle narrowed so tight it seemed impossible to fail. Failure would not be tolerated. Yet it was imminent. 

People drifted in and out of his life; almost a passé. The few who stayed, he grew bored. To him effort was a chore for the other side. Pragmatic at the very least, but effective in showcasing how grounded his views were. There was no room for new, there was no room to do anything that was perhaps different. 

Yet he joined the ranks of hundreds of thousands like him. Dreamers in reality, yet drained of the full circle of capability needed to bring visions to life. As time served its role, the dreams began to fade and reality gripped the ignorance that would soon lead to pain of every sorts. Mistakes were made and egos were beaten. Yet life can't be so cruel, can it? 

Links were restored and a second chance bestowed. This 'alternate life' you speak of may not be so bad. Balance was restored as people would say? However, natures are hard to change aren't they? 

He was happy. Happy in his own world, happy to lash out at whoever he wished, happy to live the way he always wanted to live. Milestone to milestone, each goal etched through. And perhaps that was the way it was meant to be. There would be no surprise ending. This was a path that wasn't meant to change. It was always and forever, constant. 

*This marks the concluding piece in The Reflection Series. Part 9 will remain unpublished as a request by the individual it resonates with. The author hopes that you have enjoyed reading*

Memories - Legeriz 1

She smiled. Coffee mug nestled in the folds of her hands as she gazed over the arched window that lit up the pale bedroom with pouring moonlight. Curtains drawn as her eyes hungrily looked onto the riverside that drifted along by her, still dimly visible by the cold ebony street lights that illuminated the narrow passage way.

Her breath misted up the cold glass as a shiver went down her spine. A bit early for winter she thought, but never too early, as she slipped on her satin robe. The shadowed individuals dancing in the virgin snowfall outside seem unaffected by the cold. The man, heavily scarfed and adorned in a suede trenchcoat seemed to be enjoying himself as his partner shyly kept her eyes on the ground below, careful not to trod onto his feet. She was perhaps taken aback by how different the night had turned out from the one she had perceived it to be. "You won't hurt me, Kairi", he snickered as she turned her view back towards him. She blushed, colour flooding her porcelain face as the man brought his closer to hers.

A perfect moment. The figure in the window continued to look down at the couple dance, her eyes though remained focused on the girl. Kairi looked up and for a moment their gaze met. She smiled at the figure, while the figure smiled back, her view unbroken as she continued to dance. Brown eyes stared back into brown as the familiar face looked on. Decades had passed yet the face in the window seemed unaffected by the ravages of time. The man brought her eyes back to his, fear and confusion swept across his face as he noticed the tears that trickled down Kairi's cheeks. She continued to smile.

The girl in the window had disappeared and a familiar sensation of emptiness seemed to encapsulate Kairi. It wasn't the cold, yet the chill of the night ending had begun to settle in. She continued to dance, fiercely determined to hold on. The moon had reached its zenith and light flooded through the streets. The figure had returned to bed, circular glasses lay precariously placed on top of her coffee mug. Next to it a familiar photo of the couple dancing on a night nearly identical to this.

Out on the street the night wind swept through, autumn leaves strewn aside. The path lay bare, footsteps hadn't graced it for several years now. The girl began to drift off into a dreamless sleep. Her fingertips instinctively reaching out for the photograph besides her. Scribbled neatly into the dark wood frame, she found what she always looked for.

"To Kairi,

Who made the night young again

                                   With Love,"

And then, the memory ended.

SS.8 Conflicted

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Say You Love" - Steinar

To be there for someone who doesn't want you. 

She saw him suffer, her heart aching as pieces of him lay broken off. A shell of what she remembered. Anger and betrayal erupted inside her as she pushed back against the view her eyes held. This wasn't meant to happen; not to her; not to him; not now...

You go through a period where after knowing a person for long, to see them disappear so suddenly, so frightfully fast can leave you questioning whether fighting for change was worth it all. To her the world had robbed someone she cared about. She lay alone yet surrounded. A busy kind of emptiness; one where stopping lets the pain set in, so you keep moving to avoid it ever catching up. 

There were those days though. Where things seemed to be shifting for the better. Those brief moments of happiness made life so much harder than they had to be. She had seen what could be, but it never lasted longer than for her to just to have hope again. So she turned to others, the few who she knew would listen. An attempt at consolation, one she didn't want nor see the point of having. Yet she had to try. 

The few months with him had hardened her. Years compressed into minutes she wished she could escape. Moments where she wondered, was it worth leaving at all? Despite all her success, glory and joy, she lay there back again at square one; conflicted. 

 

Independence

"This is my life; I aim to live mine to the fullest"

"There's so much more that I could be doing; This is my chance"

"These are the times we create memories with the people that will last with us forever""

Independence to me is a strange concept. I don't particularly view it as the ability to survive on your own. I see it more as a nature; the willingness to thrive in scenarios that you construct and have complete control of. As an independent individual; you rely not on the opinions or considerations of others. Your life was meant to be lead the way you want it to be lead. Any mistake or gain is yours to take pride in or accept.

Now to me this was something I found hard to believe. The ability to alienate how others would react and focus purely on self-gain is something that I have never been able to achieve; albeit sometimes I wish I could. The "right thing" in my mind involved the altruistic view that perhaps being there for someone would eventually work out. You soon begin to realise that life doesn't usually work that way. You very rarely find two individuals who are able lean back and forth onto each other in perfect balance. There will be those times when you feel left out and nothing really can be done to change it; besides accepting it.

Funny though; we don't realise how we sometimes delve in and out of our dependent and independent lives. See to an individual who does what's best for them, there may be times where being dependent onto someone is in fact what's best for them. Temporarily though; there's always that conflicting struggle between being tied down and realising you want this. Primarily I've found that people are quite defensive about being reliant on someone. A sign of weakness in there minds perhaps. More so the chance of getting hurt.

The three lines I wrote at the start of this piece. Which one appealed to you the most? Think about what kind of person that makes you. Are you dependent, independent or somewhere in-between?

SS.7 Dimensions

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Lost My Way" - MAX

Moonlight arched over the window as he awoke pale faced and drenched in sweat. Covers were thrown. He stood up. 

"The past haunts me still"

His silhouette faced the ivory mirror as he stared back into the cold brown eyes that he knew so well. Tears glistened as his irises refracted back the glowing moon. It was time to go back. To embrace the past that had denied him peace of mind. To look beyond the man that he had become. To see beyond his one-dimension. His vision blurred. 

"He smiled. The air bubbled with tales of happiness. They playfully argued. Memories that were made only recently bound tighter than steel. It was his priority. To restore the damage that had been done so as to begin anew. People scoffed. How could one trust so willingly? To care beyond that which others had been treated with for so long? Voices were brushed away carelessly. His desire to prove wrong the capability of people drove him further. Instilling change was his biggest strength and perhaps his only weakness. He was blinded. Ties shattered and life grew dark. "I've lost my way""

"People spoke about him with passion. He was friend to all yet relied on none? How could he? When people existed to use him. Don't let them in. They'd never understand you. They never did but he always let them in. Each one breaking a part that brought importance to his life. It darkened his view on what the world promised. Guilt, Greed, Gossip. Self-desire fuelled all it seemed. Why shouldn't it though? His was a world of survival, yet only he was the fool trying to build a future."

"They saw greatness. He saw only the next goal. Targets blinded his view. Like a never ending game, he simply wanted to move onto the next mission. His impatience soon saw the downfall of what could have been. He made mistakes. Sidetracked by others he flung himself into a life of tranquility that was time-bound to his need by the few. That need ended and he was left alone again. Pain welled up inside and he refused to see the good that he had left behind. Other's pride in him was mere dust that reminded him of a past when he was happy. He yearned for that yet searched in all the wrong places."

The moonlight calmed him. Heartbeats returned to normal as a smile reflected back from the mirror he saw into. "Never again". And then the walls returned. 

Strength

Pain pulled from anguish. Her heartbeat raced. Conflicting opinions clashed against each other like a story with no end. She exhaled. Memories replayed themselves. Each another reminder of the fool that she thought herself to be. A fool who sought to wander back into the circle of life she so despised. A life with no end.

They haunted her. Spiralling around her mind, weaving into what could only be her fragmented sanity. Yet she held herself together. Tears her water. Torment her air. She knew she was the one to blame. After all you can't lash out at what never was.

The cycle continued. Days became a blur of the same let-downs that were promised not to be repeated. They gelled together, a glue of mistakes realised too late. Then she looked at the monster she had created in herself. The hurt came.

She steadied. Her pulse stable. Breathing lowered. Must move on. Must not let them see. Must be brave. But why? What had she done to deserve this?

"If you let others use you, they will"

The morning sun spiralled into the tears that began to flow down her face. She promised herself she wouldn't cry. Warmth filled inside her. The emotions gave in. For a moment that seemed like an eternity, she was the person she despised the most. She was the cause and creation of her problems alone. She halted. But,... Those mistakes taught her the ability to see what others have yet to. To recognise how life was heading before it reached there. To fix a memory not yet broken. Those mistakes; they gave her strength.

She rose, her porcelain face damp from tears. And begin to live a new day.

Identity

"The Wisp Sings"- Winter Aid

You. The person who you are right now. That which has been crafted by years and years of memories that have stitched themselves up to lead to this one moment. You.

Your friends. A path selected. A mirror of you or a mirror of what's left? A difficult view to realise and a harder one to understand.

It's hard to conceive the thought that perhaps our lives are not merely dictated by the actions we take but by the actions of others. We seek courage from those who are brave. Look for advice from those who are smart. Hold close those who we love.

People have forever been indebted to each other. There is not a concept of a solo life. Yet our generation has grown more fearful of letting people in. They say that people like you are your biggest allies; but then they are also those who have your biggest faults. Embrace the different, or remain ring-fenced by yourself.

I've often wondered what would happen if I met a person so alike me that from the very start it felt right. Then I realised that perhaps that would have been a mistake. No one to argue with about differences that never occurred. No one to challenge the boundaries of who you are as a person. No one to make you see what you could be.

It would have been nice though. To have someone understand. Yet then perhaps what others fail to understand, we push too hard to see ourselves. Our identity; the person who we are at this point, reflects the changes that we've made to reach where we are. Constant has never been something to look forward to. For constant reflects an end, an end we're not sure if we're ready to accept.

To my mind, I stand by the decision to stray far and wide from what people see others to be. For if you don't give someone a chance, why should they?

SS.6 Will

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "I'm A Mess" - Ed Sheeran

Continuation (noun); the state of moving on.

Very rarely are people able to admit when something is bad for them. A habit gone bad is the personified capability of the individual who has failed to pull back control into his or her life. Yet there lies great strength in admitting to the wrong that exists. Here are a few that seem to resonate more personally with me.

"Her way was that of indifference. She was master to none and slave to herself. Confrontation rarely passed her by and she floated, almost effortlessly. Yet she never took to stand besides those who had been there for her. Her life was stitchings of survival. Like a bat she was known by both bird and mammal yet separated by kind. He stood with her on that view. Never looking beyond. The bigger picture seemed to only involve them. The people who chose to be there were the one's who were found convenient. Yet with that they gave up their greatest strength; The power of choice. The pedestal was solid and supported one."

"His was of pain. He fell in too deep. Too trusting. The world hit back. Shunned, his hunger grew. He wanted his own reflection yet no one was willing to succumb to his identity. He closed off. Tensions escalated as people confused his intention in an almost emotional limbo. He had no one at one point and was in a void of own self-inflicted darkness. He found her. Life blossomed much to the envy of others. Bitterness spread and his happiness was not long lived. Life was cruel and took her away as well. He stood defeated. Then the odds turned. Yet fate has yet to decide what the end result will be."

"Her way was a mirror of his. She lived the same kind of pain, love, desire and envy of his yet was unable to break through the glass caged shaped by her own hands. She knelt, locked in and suffocated. Strangling herself with intentions that were meant to show love; yet perceived as mere convenience. To love but never be loved in return. Yet she lay trapped. Her sacrifice had already been too great. How could she leave it all behind? He spoke with similar pain. Yet life seemed to have granted his glimmer back. We all heal. Now was her turn to find herself capable of being set free.""

Will is a powerful thing. It can set forth the most unusual of events that piece together something new. There are those out there who are aware of this power and have begun testing their capabilities. There is so much that lays uncertain yet within the chaos lies pattern. You just need to will yourself to see it.

*To those out there who are still struggling with what has or will happen. Know that it gets better.*

Intention

"You can't stop me for wanting to prove the world different"

"You can't stop me for wanting change"

Song of Choice - "Intention" - Kiiara

Funny chapters we all seem to live in; adventure, success, heartbreak, redemption, bliss and silence. Moving through them has never been easy. Staying in others has always been harder. Yet we went on, taking things as they came, one by one. But the chapters seem to blur. What now? Have we taken a step back to see the bigger picture? Or are we just driven by the next objective? Who looks beyond something they can't see? There's more than this to life. 

It was always my intention to help others. It gave me purpose. Linked me to something good. Something pure and worth fighting for. Now I stand here wondering if it were all a mistake? The capability to do good beyond that which was required. I wonder. Everyday it seems like a constant battle between the choices we make. Disappoint others or disappoint yourself. Yet for some, those choices aren't separate. Now what?

It's funny. How little people realise the impact they may have on others. Be or good or bad, they link memories to people; captured through moments that seemingly go unnoticed now but remain etched forever so. Perhaps that's why we are who we are. We unknowingly relive the memories that were once held by others. It's the same game, the same day, just, with different players. A game I guess was what it was all along? Hmm, perhaps. Yet we don't realise that they're playing; we just try and get through. 

I'm going to write a book one day. Bridging together what many people have long forgotten. The difference a memory can make. You can't destroy something that has existed. True they made fade, and rightly so their strength withers. But...

You think your power lies in your ability to forget. Mine lies in my ability to remember. 

 

SS.5 Healer

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Tenerife Sea" - Ed Sheeran

Rest.

Sleep.

Breathe.

Bad days are strange. They affect people differently. Anger and frustration can be one. Sleep and weakness can be another. A lot more lie out there but these are the two that seem to crop up a lot for me.

You know, I never knew I'd end up where I am right now. We can't seem to understand how life has led us here. This moment. This place. This person to live. I always find it funny. That I as a person am just thoughts and actions guiding a body. It's my responsibility to do what's right for me. Not anybody else's. Despite what I think; we are just someone trying to live. And I understand that.

I'm thinking about how I'm breathing right now. It's calming and constant. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. You are too now, aren't you?

I'm thinking about the little things now. Replaying the moments that have led up to where we are right now. Those linking moments. How things somehow fell into place. How if you look back at it; the memories seem more structured now that we can appreciate them for what they were. It's like everything had a place. It just didn't feel that way when we were going through it.

It's 1:50am currently and the warm glow of my lamp covered by my beanie is making me rather philosophical when it comes to life (all lamps should be covered by beanies). Hey Giddy, here's looking at you.

My Spotify crashed.

Nope back up again.

People talk too much. Bit rich coming from me. Yet if you look at it. I rarely talk; about me. Hmm wonder if that's a bad thing?

End on a good note? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Even beyond that if things turn out how I foresee it. Burdening yourself isn't generally worth it. Stop listening to yourself when you're the one who's bringing you down. Stop questioning the mistakes you think you've made. Stop criticising what's brought you here. Stop being the kind of person you wouldn't wish onto others. Be the kind of person others wish to be.

The ideals we lived

Utopia. Unattainable. Everlasting. We grasp the concept of a life we can never live yet wildly push to reach its identical. Another time, another person, another you;

Reality is different. It's harsh, vivid and often not what you want. How do you escape this dream world you so idealistically desire and move forth with what's there in front of you? We all wished things were a bit different. Loved ones who should be here with us, times of stress replaced by peace and serenity, forgotten words best left unspoken... A second life that should have been.

We are at the very mercy of our minds who lead us to this guilt ridden state. We internally debate with the irrational decisions that lead us to where we are while kicking ourselves for being so foolish. Yet things sometimes do in fact turn out alright. Sure we're not where we wanted to be, who we wanted to be and with those who are meant to be there. We are however moving on with reality and despite everything else the one thing that reality does it that it forgives.

Our ideals are ideals for a reason. They were never meant to be more than a fictional life we created. Reality is different. It allows you to feel pain, to recognise a lesson learn, a mistake made and more often than not, gives you the chance to move on. We all feel like the world is crashing in on us at some point or  another but you've got to fight on. You've got to be brave to go on alone if it comes down to it or with those who were there for you during your time of need. Everyone wants their ideal life, but sometime either now or later; you just have to let go.

SS.4 Self Inflicted

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - "Be There" - Seafret / "Take Shelter" - Years and Years

A lonely path; crowded yet by yourself. Laughter, like nails against your ears. They're talking about you. The voices, jokingly pressing down on the fire building. You turn. Head arched high, hands outstretched, "This is not...". You look to him, the person who once held so much of power. A dark topic for future days to come. A clean break. Painful yet quick. Necessary to escape. Necessary to begin to rebuild.

***

You're not much to them. Aren't you? A convenience to have around but cast aside plainly for their superior choice. One of life's harshest of realities is having someone taken from you. Give them your 100 and you'll get back 60 if you're lucky. Bouncing back and forth between what you've set out to achieve and failing every time to get close. It's not their fault... It never is. You're just playing different board games and they're winning at both. So now what?

***

The cold winter air blows against your untied hair as you ask, "Promise to never bring this up again?" He agrees; the wind howls as you tell him, shielding those with pricked ears from ever leaning in. "What can I do Dan?", knowing the answer before even asking it... You stare from afar at the person you don't even recognise anymore. They wave. Time can do lots of terrible terrible things. Yet you remain subdued. "If you want to get used, then get used", he chimes in as his phone begins to flash.

***

The funny part is that you have nothing to complain about. They're quite willing to cast you aside; the line up of those awaiting presence is seemingly endless. If you want to go, then go; but don't ever think that they'll fight for you to come back. I wonder if that's what makes it harder, that risk of giving in to the inevitable.

***

You were his convenience. Comfortable, familiar and brilliant. Yet he grew bored by his conquest. Thirsty for the chance to be someone else's limelight. The challenge takes over. You can't see the good in a good thing once you have it. Breakdowns are always hard. Seeking solace was never easy, and the acceptance that you're never getting back the time lost. That's what scares you, doesn't it? The sacrifice you made; was it worth it? How can they be so blind? Mainly cause they aren't seeing through your eyes. Yet you remain irrational, the cycle repeating itself.

***

It's not a curse. It's just a part of life. You will always want more from someone who wants more from someone else and so the cycle continues. It's rare to give back the same as you receive. You will be cast aside, time and again just like they get cast aside without realising it. Look around you, everyone follows, yet nobody truly leads. I

t is funny though, for someone to not notice the little things standing right in front of them. Yet I guess that's why people are who they are; and the ones who acknowledge it, different. Remember it's a two player game; don't give in to a handicap.

I could be wrong though, but then I've yet to be proved so.