SS.3 Cycles of You

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

It's been over 2 weeks since I've been back here in sweltering Dubai. Things have changed it's nice to see. Secrets were revealed, promises were broken and waiting games were played. The usual haha. I told you right? I'd stop trying... Can you blame a guy for wanting more? Not quite but then again it was always a gamble; one that I've always played, and always lost.

It's like a cycle isn't it? The same old stories, different people. Tied by emotions that run deep. Sister of mine, you perhaps were the smartest of them all "Why bother with people who won't give back what you're willing to give; it's a two way effort right?" Break out of this endless cycle that you're in. Your mistakes are your own for a reason. It's cause you chose to let them be. Rather than that, maybe it's time to leave.

- The following memory flashes revolve around a cycle of mine. One that I find looking back, happy to have broken.

Soft laughter.
Cinema lights dimmed. Phone buzzes. Unknown number.
"Act surprised tomorrow. They're coming over for your birthday"
Confusion? Mother clearly not pleased.

*Scene Shifts*

Editorial piece. Phone flashes.
Why'd you block me?
I saw no reason to keep you around.
Still mad about that whole birthday thing? Not really haha, I'd need to care for that.
Listen man I'm sorry.
*Internal debates*
Alright haha, don't give me another reason to hate you.

*Scene Shifts*

Public humiliation. Standard from him.
What I couldn't pass a test? Talk the talk but won't walk the walk. Oh social media is clearly the best place to chat about it. After all he was untouchable; for now. I mean I wore shorts for christ sake.
Anger. Immense. The next day brings with it clear hell.
He was there, fuelling the fire like usual. No not the one I'm talking about. Someone else. A story for another time.

*Scene Shift*

Confusion about words spoken. Maybe he'd know.
Hey man. You free to Skype for a bit? There's something I need to talk to you about.
So what do you think? Here's my side of the story.
Don't worry. I'll speak to him

Phone buzzes.
Keep our arguments to yourself. This isn't something for you to concern others with. He walked in laughing about the whole thing.
Once again, stupidity. My stupidity.

*Scene Shift*

Durham mornings. Snapchats having a field day.
Another insult. Typical. Not again though.
Stay out of my life. I'm not scared of you anymore. I've got people who can guide me when I'm wrong. You aren't welcome anymore.

- I told you right. It's a cycle you place yourself in. Repetition, even pain breeds familiarity, and familiarity is a different kind of comfort. It's mutually exclusive I'd say. Yet I did say. There's only so much I can take. I mean after a while, it's clear that I'm the one who's constantly falling. As much as I like getting hurt, there's a point where you stop.

Don't get me wrong, everything can heal. Yet for now, the part I've played is done; the rest is always up to you.

Faith

There's a lot out there that we're not sure off. It's always that little bit of unknown that could very well drive us crazy. I wanted to try something different this time. Rather than just simply write vaguely about a topic that captured my interest, I thought I'd make a list, a promise that binds both and you I as a testament to what is written. What I need to have faith in.

Have the faith to admit that you're wrong.
Have the faith to defend that you're right.
Stand up for yourself.
Stop being worried about going alone, the future isn't dark.
Have faith that you'll do well. Success is your own definition.
Have the faith to stop yourself from getting hurt.
Stop worrying about what other people will think. This isn't their life.
Have faith in those who are worth the long run. Life wasn't meant to be perfect always.
Have faith in sincerity. We often take sorry for granted.
Have faith in standing up for others. Defend your friends proudly.
Speak your mind. This isn't a game of hide and seek.
Have faith that things will workout. You can't predict the future but you can damn well try.
Have faith in love. It hurts when you're left behind. But God is the risk worth it.
Have faith to be different. So what if this isn't you, everyone can change.
Learn to trust. People do care
Have faith in your family. They are your biggest fans.
Have faith in being stupid. People make mistakes.
Have faith in forgiveness. You are only human.
Have faith in difference. Stop thinking life was planned out.
Have faith in kindness. You make other people feel good about themselves.
But most of all, have the faith to fall. You never know how high you were and how high you will be.

This, I think is my attempt at challenging myself to endure what I believe the toughest list I've set forth. What about you? What do you have faith in?

SS.2 Ties

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - 'Am I Wrong' - Nico & Vinz

2012 - 2014

Coffee? 

I can do Starbucks in 10? What's up?

Nothing much. I need some help.

Fine but then drive after haha.

Deal. 

Can I get you anything? *Munches cheese croissant* 

Light. Effortless. A bit funny how it began.

I'm not a phone person. True... neither are you a text person, in person person or any person. Hmm a challenge. Fun, different... I'm not one to lose.

Can I drive? No. (What else is new).

The beach brings such peace.

What do you think? Dunno, it's always been there you know? Never really appreciated it.
Hmm 1 a.m., what am I going to do with you?

He vents. It's the same story. Day after day. Her, him, them. Piece after piece of advice. Repetition settles in. I'm not an expert. Why? Broken ties. Again and again. It's always the same story isn't it. We fall, they fight; mends the break. Oh we're good again. And then we repeat. Yet, I sit here wondering for the time things will be different? Guess I'm drowning and I don't even realise it. Nothing new to me. Always the emotional drain. The one who cared more than life itself. The one who listened. Gratifying? Hardly.

Fast forward a few months. Rifts widen. The conversation begins to get deeper. Inner life, People are changing. All too fast it seems. What happened? Truth breaks out. Ties that once held deep revealed. Secrets, opinions and the guilt of other's thoughts come forth. Never knew they felt that way about me. Huh, funny how still events can change people's perceptions. Guess I was partly to blame. Yet, I felt nothing. Hmm time to move on.

Summer

Patience wearing thin. Classic fear of transition. I'm leaving again aren't I? Can't handle emotional burden. Must sever ties. Frustration builds for days. Ignition.

Anger, insanity; the words of others intertwining.
Memory after memory. Clearly a disaster.
Period of silence.

Phone flashes. I'm leaving soon, thought we could put aside what had happened. What's done is done. Doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

Decisions. Decisions.

Hey. It's been a while hasn't it? Memories that bring them back...
People always wonder why I'm different :). Guess they've still yet to grasp it. Try and look back. Think about how many truly different things you've done with someone. Unlinked in any way at all. The more you have to draw back on. The greater your capability to consider what has been and why its worth fighting for.

Promises. To not fight, to not argue, to not give up. Difficult truly haha, but not impossible. The arguments come, fights that follow and the distance makes it easy to forget. Yet something remains. The capability to remember. The chance to rebuild. Better times. Different but not entirely unpleasant. Waiting for the time. We've got a lot left to live. Why quicken the pace?

We see things more clearly now though. Secrets are left as they were. The people who we realised weren't worth it are left behind. Time has begun to bring back a new kind of change. Not really sure how this one will work out. I guess it's all in the ties.