SS.1 - Pain

The following pieces are a reflection of the experience both I and those around me have encountered. This 10 part series brings with it an attachment to a part of life built upon by a significant human emotion.

Disclaimer: The series is based loosely on sketches of random events. In no way is it meant to represent a factual life.

Song of Choice - 'Afire love' - Ed Sheeran

December 10, 2012

A harmless mistake. A white lie told to cover a questionable act. "It wouldn't matter in the long run, he'll forget..."

Humiliation, public or otherwise brings with it a sense of pain. There's nothing worse than having your life splashed out to the entire school. 'Secrets and lies' was all they ever spoke off. There was a reason we were all so brilliant. We excelled at manipulation and were devoid of care. Drowned by riches unearned and with freedom that will never known by some. They were bored and we were targets. No one was spared, your life belonged to the school and the forthcomings that it brought with it. Criticism taught you to hide everything. It was all false as we weaved around the web of lies that brought with it nothing but the next big thing that had happened.

I had asked. She had replied. I trusted her. There was nothing to doubt. Belief led me astray. Guided by the hopes of someone new. Denial...repeatedly. Attacked others, empty threats, fear of what happened. Fear of the unknown. Fear of their words.

Dissipation. Scars remained but new targets had been found. Stability. The tides seemed to have turned. Moments respite. Harmony almost, as we begin anew. She was different. Nurtured to act against the pressure that was set forth.

A different day. A peaceful afternoon. Light hearted conversation. She brings up a forgotten topic. Memories buried deep. Why the remembrance?

"Promise not to be mad?"

"I promise"

Pain. Unblinding and misguided. Denial. This was supposed to be different. She was supposed to matter. Why? Repetition picks at unhealed scars. Reveal the wound. Embrace the hurt. A reason to never trust. "Nobody cares about you the way you do about them" "Nobody ever will"

Silence.

Encounter at latter past. Unguided emptiness. No reason to care. No more pain. This all doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. Why would she? Why would anybody?

Memories flash past. Days encounter rebuild. Your shield stays up.

She breaks. Human nature to want to understand. Tears, heavy and fast. Pain settles in. "I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you"

Heartless return. You'd had enough. Tired of lies. Yet...

Nature prevailed. She had given you the one thing we'd been instilled to never display. Weakness.

A different person. She will stand the test of time.

And as pain settles in, so do memories of a lifetime.

Spirited

Song of Choice - 'On My Way' - Charlie Brown

Fallen by the actions of others. Defeated by the desire to fail. Missed by those you never encountered. Defined by the spirit that sets you apart.

Spirited was something that I've been wanting to write for a while now. It embodies what I believe life was meant to be. I'm tired of always missing out on what could have been. Where's my energy? Where's my capability to be different? Where's my spirit? Enough of those envied for their structured outlook. There is structure is discord regardless, it's just a bit harder to see.

This year promises to bring change, regardless of whether I want it or not. Well I suppose that's life in general. We never expect things to work out this way, but when they do, there's nothing stopping us from taking it on headstrong. The energy with which you perceive life defines your capability to overcome it. Why would you ever want to be someone who simply stops? Stretch your limits, push your boundaries and never, ever be afraid of what people think of you. Spirited are those who have more than just the capability to enjoy life, they are those that shape how they enjoy it.

The one thing I'm proud of is that I've always wanted what was best for me. More than that, I actively pursued this seemingly unreachable goal of utopia, the ideal world governed by none and loved by all. Why I'm not sure, but as I grow older, this perception (as I claim it be) still confuses me more often than not. We all want idealism but what actually is it? Does it exist just to drive us to our limits? People's capability to want to succeed is limited to varying degrees, but Spirited Individuals have overcome that boundary. We want what's best, regardless of the boundaries, regardless of the time and regardless of what the world thinks. This is our time, and nothing is going to stop us from making the best of it.

Why wouldn't you want to change who you are? You're more than willing to go back if things turn wrong. There's always that risk but sometimes the reward is so worth it.

Don't be afraid, to be different.

Small Changes

I'm going to try and let you guys in a bit more so that perhaps you can read along my lines. If you want I'd recommend playing White Lies by Paolo Nutini followed by Conquistador by Juno Reactor (if you feel like it) while reading this post. 

Finding out that life is a bit of a disaster is never fun. Our emotions cascade, we fall down and then don't get up. Trouble takes over and we end up wondering of what would have been. It doesn't seem to end and yet we constantly try and deny it to be so. Still... what would happen if we decided to change? How would that work?

"You're going to have fall to hard before you decide to do something about it. Nothing that people tell you matters till you're in the deep-end, drowning. Then you realise."

The way we work is funny. Our perceptions seem to grow more concrete and harder to alter as we form our pathway in life. People have their preferences, their views and their acceptance of what is meant to be; they cement themselves amongst the threshold between perfection and failure and yet constantly criticise the hollowed thoughts of others. Denial to try and failure to believe. Falling down gets easier when you know how to get up more easily. 

It's hard for you to believe me isn't it? As your mind races through the memories that somehow hurt even though they may have happened ages ago, and you find yourself brushing them off yet again in an attempt to claim back control. Why though? Why can't you accept the reality of life? 

I sometimes have those days where I look back on what has led me to become who I am. Decisions good and bad brought together by fate as the skeptics say and yet we're only one person all alone in this world with hardly the time to make a difference. Why bother then? What makes any of us so different? 

Against my better judgement I'm going to leave it here. This is your world, your life and your day as is everyday. Every time you come at crossroads that may make that difference, choose what you feel is the path to take. However, nothing ever stopped you from asking for a bit of help... Life was meant to be different, but it never said anything about doing it alone. Just be willing to make those small changes... You may never know about the big ones that follow. 

Fight

To not give up? 

Stand 

Rise 

Grow 

It's been another whirlwind of a year. We've all changed a bit as individuals and in a way it's nice to reflect on how much has been achieved and the memories that have been created. Someday I'd like to look back on these days and accept the joy and pain that came with each day's past, knowing that they made my journey all the more worth it. 

Getting back to the topic at hand. It's become human nature in recent years, especially with the younger generation, to needlessly cut-off that which poses a threat to them. Be it relationships, work, responsibilities or anything that seems to be overly difficult or hurtful during that period of their life. In fact, this behaviour is encouraged and almost idolised as people divert their daily challenges on accounts of individuality or 'recognising' their alternative skill sets. True, they quote it as 'a waste of time' to pursue something they feel is worthless further, but does that make it worth giving up? 

There has to be a reason why that part of your life existed in the first place right? Better times, success after a day's hard work and the memories you've created are not something you can always cut off and throw away. They stick to you like glue and sometimes, though by no mean do I suggest this the norm, they're worth fighting for. 

You'll see it everywhere. People simply abandoning the goals they set themselves. When you build yourself in an idealistic vision, I'd rather fail trying to get their and achieve semi-greatness than to simply give up and wonder "what if?". 

For a while now I've been trying to think of how best to describe at what stage I'm right now in my life. There was a time when I thought simply cutting away that and those who hurt you would make you a stronger individual. Perhaps, haha I was wrong. I know now that it's not how capable you are of recognising a lost cause and letting it go but also about how much of an effort you put into saving something that you once cared about. It's always going to be a struggle to try and fix what won't but you'd be surprised by how much you can learn through that struggle. 

Not sure why this might be of importance to you, or anybody who's reading this. I created this as a platform to think and yet I find myself drawing on it more as a timeline, capturing the various elements that made up my life. It must be nice though, to have something to remember. 

Strange. I actually stayed on topic this time. Oh I'd you guys to meet Tim. He's the one in dark blue.

  

Rhythm

Life is a pattern if you look at it carefully. There are periods of turmoil followed by that unusual feeling of relief which usually leads onto building anticipation and ends with the cycle repeating itself. Nice part about a pattern is that you can predict it, and with a little bit of luck, control how it flows.

It's been a while since I've written, but sitting here in the U1 with a seat reserved for this cupcake I'm getting for a friend, I thought it'd be a nice opportunity to get back. Funny how the weirdest of things can bring back what you may have once lost. Looks like my cupcake may have to give up its seat at this rate. Thankfully British people are too polite to ask me to move. Thought so. Moving on.

Right getting back to to the whole rhythm thing. So term three everyone seems to resort into a pattern of stress that slowly builds up as the days count down, followed by a brief period of unsolicited panic and finally guilt for having wasted some of that precious revision time. It hurts when you think about it, how little things that keep bouncing across your mind can infuriate you to such an extent. Is it though, something that you can change?

So this year academic 2014/2015 I've had one mild panic attack, a bit of a nervous breakdown over a website crash ( I mean I lost a year and a half of work ) and one big argument (wasn't that fun). Strangely though, this has been the mildest year for me. Admitting what's happened takes great strength I feel; admitting anything bad about yourself in my opinion. We all stress, worry and have a bit of a edgy situation, but does that actually mean we can't control it? Whoever said mind over matter must have been on so much ecstasy that he didn't mind the matter. Still, we're all still here, still standing and still fighting for a better future, bit like a rhythm.

What people don't get is that stress needs an outlet, and the more it builds up, the more you need to let go. For me that involves running for hours on end while simultaneously fist bumping the air as I rock out, much to the discomfort of passerbys who think I'm having multiple seizures. Stop staring at me you old folk! I'm not going to attack. Point is that you need some means of calming down and usually that's difficult to do. Being here at university, a majority of us tend to make friends with those who do the same course as we do. However when everyone you know around is worrying about the same thing, maybe it's better to find a bit of a different group for the time being. I really don't want to discuss past-papers when we go out for drinks and I don't think you'd want to either.

You know it's funny, I always start of my articles of with a general intention of keeping it as general as possible. Yet somehow it winds down into what's been happening lately. It's like the pattern I never intended... almost as if life was set on repeat. (Visualise giant red repeat button)

Discipline

Life's too short to not have focus. It's always lost opportunity that we seem to think about and not what we've achieved.

I should have pursued my art.
Done more than study.
Gone a bit crazy once in a while.

Regret brings with it a murky haze of self-doubt and we don't need more of that in our lives. What we do need though is something to focus on. A 'list for life' as I like to think of it. Where do I want to be in 2, 5, 10 years time? What have I done to achieve my goals? Do I even enjoy what I'm doing right now?

It always happens wherein after a period of time you feel as if your life is in a rut, stagnating from all ends and you're getting suffocated in. Break those barriers you've built around you and make the change that you hoped would happen. Daring to dream never hurt nobody. We all have aspirations we'd like to see fulfilled and planning to achieve them is the first step to make.

These last ten weeks in University have been a bit chaotic. I reconnected with the fun I thought I had lost, found difference in normality and in the process fell down a lot more than I realised. It hurt, in fact I'm glad it did, but it also made me realise that trying to change yourself will definitely not be a walk in the park.

People always look around each other before making the first judgement on their own lives. A 'reference point' for individuality as I like to think of it. We all want what others have, after all we're just as capable so why shouldn't we be given the chance? The thing is you don't simply pick up an instrument and begin to play. You practise, and for that it takes discipline.

Breaking the skies

We all matter right? We all have a purpose, one that destined us to exist? We all want to the break through the skies and reach the heavens... but what if that doesn't come?

The end comes too soon

Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them 

Being as in love with you as I am

Thoughts. Words in your heads that intertwine emotions. Can we separate the two or are they more connected than we think. Are we clouded by anger, rage, happiness, desire and passion? 

To succeed is to bring a new challenge worth fighting for. What do we do when we don't know what our challenge is, or how to beat it? Do we wander waiting for a chance? Or is it worth falling to take a risk at flight?

This week has been hard. There comes a point when you are your greatest opponent and beating what you've done seems to be the only goal that lies ahead. You know then that you're on the brink of reaching what few people have; a chance to make a difference. When you cut away the competition of those around you, and focus on yourself, you build a perfect guide in life. One that grows with you and works harder as you try to beat it. You find yourself isolated in the desire to challenge what you want out of life and the more you push the stronger you create your opponent self to be. 

People always ask you what do you want to do with your life. I want to break the skies.